Complimentary Advice

So you're having a war of (kind) words?

Here is the hierarchy as I see it of complimentary action from least to the ultimate.

1. Air Guns--while you are attempting to be original you're not, you're being a fucking gurm. Stop. Now.

2. A weak handshake--whether preventable or not, they're creepy and weird and that's how they make you look. I don't care if you're the CEO of Microsoft and you're giving me a billion dollars; a weak handshake makes you look like the creepy guy on the corner who wears velcro shoes.

3. Nonspecific Praise--You're great! That's awesome! Wow! Qualify your statements people.

4. An E-Card--LAME

5. Thumbs up--A Classic by any means but slightly neutral

6. A wink and nod--Silent, a little bit sinister. too cool for words. Nice.

7. A hearty handshake--Also classic except when it's too hearty and it feels like someone is using your arm as a pumpjack then it's right above Air guns. And you never want to be close to air guns.

8. A real card--Depending on the card.

9. A cake-- Say it with food. It's the celebratory food of choice. Although I really don't know why. I mean I love cake, but their are some equally delicious pies. Why does the pie get the shaft?

10. Specific Praise and Letters-- i.e. That performance was like watching a baby bird take it's first successful flight. Brilliant and astounding. There is something about an articulated statement that seems so achingly surreal in this day and age.

11. Kissing feet, rings, etc.--Archaic yes, but also sort of well awesome. Okay maybe that's weird but it's like you're in league with tyrants and old world priests and kings who ruled with iron fists and looked down on the meager peasantry. So if you've got a power fetish I bet this ranks a lot higher on your list.

12. Frankenscense and Myrrh--Only because we don't really know what to do with that stuff any more. That and I know frankenscense is like inscense and if it smells like patchouli then really only the thought counts.

13. Custom T-Shirts-- With phrases like "Silva is Gold" and "Cody Foote--I'd Hit That" say it loud and proud with iron on letters. (addendum: But not "I Cum for Kyle" That is just gross.)

14. Tattoo of a Name-- While you'd think this would rank higher, it doesn't, because of advances in laser removal, the ability to ink over, and the fact that you could just date women named SUE for the rest of your life if you were that concerned.

15. Spray-Painting a Water Tower--The ultimate redneck compliment is also a very smart bet. It contains danger, strategy, forethought, and resonance. It is actually really thoughtful when you think about it.

16. Buying someone a Star--Unique profound and all around funny.

17. Tattoo of a Face--Okay there is nothing anyone can come up with that is a bigger compliment than getting a tattoo of another person's face on your body. Especially if that person isn't Elvis or dead. I mean the fact that you are willing to walk around, if even for a short time with Jack Smith's face on you bicep makes you the winner. Some will say no one would take a joke this far. I say "You're awesome." Then I shoot them the air guns and strut off into the night.